One of the biggest shocks when moving abroad is the first trip to the grocery store.
{Note to fellow Austrians reading..this is meant for fun, and although it is true, I mean no disrespect. We lead healthier, less complicated, wurstier lives here and we like it.)What happened to the land of milk and honey and Cheetos and endless variety with wide aisles and 24-hour service??!
To be fair, they do have big supermarkets, the kind that we're used to, but they aren't close or convenient. (And, they still don't have Cheetos, Tiny Tarts or regular, shredded Cheddar.)
So, 99 times out of 100, we frequent the regular size grocery store..meaning the size of a Subway sandwich shop. (minus the turkey lunch meat..only ham)
One of my
biggest pet peeves about how the stores operate is actually not even that they are only open Mon-Sat 8 - 7pm and CLOSED/SHUT UP SHOP on Sundays, but that they do their cleaning and stocking during the busiest hours and in the tiniest lanes you've ever moseyed your a$$ down.
Not kidding. Almost every time I saunter on over to the Billa, I am followed by someone cleaning the floor with a machine that looks quite similar to the one they used to clean the Houston Galleria ice skating rink following me around! on my tail...like I'm leaving some trail of grime. Can't you do this when you close at 7pm every freaking day? Why must you do it at 6 when the whole world is here scurrying to get their wurst before Austria has its 7pm grocery black out?
It's not like we've got loads of room here. I can barely fit down this aisle without my red basket crunching into the pasta bags or slammin' into someone around the wee corner.
And, can you stop following me? When was the last time you put on some deodie? I'm already nervous about checking out at lightning speed and getting glares from those behind me when I say "bankomat" (meaning...not usin' cash..it might take 2 seconds longer).
Look. I'm about as impatient as they come..and I'm quick as hell..but you people need to calm down. Mama needs a bit more time and not to feel stressed at the sto'.
And can you get a conveyor belt longer than my forearm? My bunch of broccoli and maybe my loaf of bread fits on there...there's not even room to use the little dividers because fitting more than one person's loot is out of hte question. And how come everyone buys 5 items max?
Do you people not eat or what? Or do you go to the grocery store several times a day? Why am I always the only one with a full bag? What am I missing here? And stop rolling your eyes. We are fatties..yes. And it's heavy. Maybe that's why you only get rolls and beer.
And for those of you at the grocery store at the train station (that is open late and on Sundays!), stop putting your scaffolding sh!t in the aisles and stocking stuff during mad rush hour (that would be 7pm since it's the only store open in the hemisphere).
I've literally moved your rolling scaffolding with my own rock-hard muscles just to get a thing of Q-Tips. Yeah, I saw you look at me like..um, don't be movin' our stocking ladders, but what's a girl to do? WHY DO YOU CHOOSE TO DO THIS NOW? It's not like your overloaded with inventory (you're a freaking Exxon Tiger Mart for crying out loud..how long does it take to stock some gummi bears?)
Ugh..and don't get me started on how you can't even make it down the aisle without stopping 80 times to let people smudge past and how one time my red baskey knocked over some Pina Colada mixer. I looked for those ladies on their ladders on the next aisle over (to tell about my mess) and, of course, they were nowhere to be found. Surely the guy with the ice-rink cleaner will be around the corner in no time.
All this being said (ranted), I've adapted quite nicely. I know how to maneuver my way through and have learned that niceness and patience is not the name of the game around here. It's every man for himself. You need to butt someone out of the way with your cart? Have at it. Wanting to cut? Why not.
Just be sure to LOAD YOUR GROCERIES in your paid-for plastic bag FAST. Don't mess around. This ain't Texas.
And some crappy iPhone pics for a visual:
Be careful of innocent-seeming bottles of water...most are full of gas:
(be it mild or be it Prickelnd (extra gassy))
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Hope you like paprika (bbq) or salted potato chips because you aren't gonna find another flavor:
(and 3,49 is considered Billiger! (cheaper))
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Haribo has a monopoly on the candy market..hope you like gummi:
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And, Milka's got a monop. on the choc.
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but, you can find Mars brand choc. bars
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Mayo comes in toothpaste tubes:
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Regular, sliced bread is called American Toast:
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This picture doesn't do it justice and this is a sub-par one, but the bread sections are outstanding. No wonder they don't want to take credit for our kinda crap Mrs. Baird's.
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Again, terrible representation, but the meat sections are usually pretty delishy too. Except for those jelly rolls with stuff in them..eww. (Which I now know, thanks to my sister, is called 'Sulz')
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Produce is always top-notch too and last, but not least:
Mexican section
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I was stoked to find out they carried tortillas!
And that's all for my tirade today.